how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
