There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize