When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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