I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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