I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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