i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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