he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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