remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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