i can't believe i had my finger in that
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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