I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Nicole vs. Life
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
