I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
