i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My bed smells like the plague
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize