my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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