And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
