You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
