If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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