Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
this is an emotional support booty call
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
