i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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