ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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