why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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