apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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