I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
