I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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