Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
