Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
