dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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