my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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