Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
