Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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