I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
