Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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