Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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