I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We are two peas in an std pod
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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