so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
