the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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