today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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