Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
