my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
