Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize