How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she peed on how many people?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
