Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize