So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
