I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize