I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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