Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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