Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
please don't ironically join a cult
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