god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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