When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
