Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
