I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
These tits shall not be calmed
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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