every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
