My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
