Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
