worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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